From: ENG - UG Progs
Sent: Mon 2009-2-9 12:36
To: ENG YEAR 2; ENG YEAR 3; ENG YEAR 4
Cc: Ashraf Kassim; Christopher Yap (Engrg); Poong Gek Eng
Subject: Concurrent Double Master Program in Logistics and Supply Chain Management, 2009
Dear Students
The Logistics Institute - Asia Pacific are preparing for their first intake in August 2009 for The Concurrent Double Master Program (CDMP). Students who have completed sufficient Mathematics modules and have the interest to pursue a career in Logistics and Supply Chain Management may apply to this program.
There are up to 20 scholarships, valued at more than S$33K for this intake. Final year students accepted into the program will also be placed on an internship scheme in August 2009 and receive a stipend of S$1500 per month while they embark on a part-time course work at NUS. Students in the program may receive further top-up allowance from companies should they be found suitable for employment by the companies.
More information is available on the website: http://www.tliap.nus.edu.sg/dmp/concurrentDMP.aspx Please note the closing date is 31 March 2009 and that final year students need to take the GRE for consideration.
Regards,
Office of Undergraduate Programs
National University of Singapore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is definitely a mass email sent to all Engineering students. The intention is to inform students the opening of application for concurrent double master degree in logistic and supply chain management. So the salutation is suitable to be wrote as "Dear students". For the title, it is a bit long, but it clearly shows what this email is about, which is good for recipients to grasp the core information quickly. In general, the format is commonly used business style, except they did not include the name of the person sending this email. This actually causes confusions like who should I approach to if I have some enquiries?
This is a quite concise email. In its first paragraph, it roughly introduces the double master degree opportunity and its requirement for applicants. In second paragraph, it focus on the scholarship this program is providing, intending to attract more applicants. This email does not talk too much but give only the core information to our recipients and a link with more details. So those who are interested can explore more on it while others can just ignore it.
However, i think it is also important to provide some other necessary information. One is what students can learn from this program. Is the program focused on research or real application, what is the prospect of graduates of this program? How long it takes to finish this program? Questions like these really concerns me when I firstly read this email. The description about the scholarship is also quite vague. I think the sentences should be phrased better to make it clearer to our recipients. At the last part, I think it is better to provide a link about the GRE test.
Blog Post #7: Reflections
15 years ago
Hi Zaizhi,
ReplyDeleteYour critique is straightforward and easy to understand, although there are a few language errors here and there which you might want to look into next time. One way of minimising mistakes is to do your blog post or any other written work in Microsoft Word. It does help to point out certain errors. You can probably try to copy and paste your post into Word if you would like to edit it. I’m actually typing this comment on Word so as to minimise my own errors.
That aside, I’m quite confused on where you stand in your critique. On one hand, you mentioned that it was a concise email and you gave credit to the email for providing a link rather than having too much information. On the other hand, you wanted them to provide even more information that could probably be found in the link as well. Therefore, I did not really quite understand you on this point. I could only guess that you wanted them to write a more persuasive email so that recipients would respond to the email.
I do agree with you that they should include the name of the person sending the email as it is also a form of courtesy. I also agree that they email should provide a link for the GRE test as a convenience to recipients. Good that you point these out.
There is also an error in the email that was regularly mentioned in class. Commas did not come in a pair. “Dear Students” did not have a comma while “Regards,” did include a comma.
Regards,
Glenn
Hey Zaizhi
ReplyDeleteI like the points that you brought up, especially about what other information should have been given. It did lack some completeness even though it did give a link to where more information can be found.
One point that I feel about this letter is that it is very impersonal and unfriendly. This letter is trying to get people to take up this program, but does very little to entice them to do so. I believe that for such letters, where the purpose is to encourage people to try your program, more can be done to show them the benefits of doing so.
Regards, Ryan
Hi Zaizhi,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that this email was very much concise, so much so that it missed out some important details about the program such as the content of the course and whether the course is practical or theory-based. Perhaps the aim of this email is just to briefly inform the students about this upcoming program and interested students may take the initiative to source for more details at the given website.
Secondly, this email seemed to on the informal side. Informal English made the email reader-friendly but I feel that it should adopt a more formal approach since it is promoting about a prestigious double Master program. Formal English may help to make this program look a tad more distinguished and give it a better promotional effect.
Cheers,
wanyee
Hi Zaizhi,
ReplyDeleteSome nice pointers u had there in your critique. I agree with you that the letter is concise as it briefly mentioned about the program before giving information about the administrative matters.
However, i feel that the writer was not convincing enough to persuade the students to sign up for the program besides just stating the monetary incentives. In terms of correctness, i feel that were afew grammatical errors (for example, Logistics Institute - Asia Pacific "are" should be written as "is").
This letter still have alot of room for improvement.:)
Cheers,
Jay